Let’s get personal…

Warning:  I once kept a personal journal but have recently decided to run this blog.  This post is going to be personal.  Knowing that most of my followers do not know me in real life, allows me to feel fine with sharing some things I usually would not.  I can open up to complete strangers on the internet, but can’t share my emotions with the person sitting right in front of me.  I think I have more problems then the ones I am aware of.  Just thought I would give my few readers a heads-up.

Wow, July 8th was the last post.  I am still alive and kicking.  Just been busy.  So much to catch people up on since I know you have all been sitting on pins and needles waiting for me to update you on my life.  I am now a full time employee at the University of Oklahoma.  I work as a Technology Support Specialist.  It is pretty cool, and they are covering some training to help me advance.  I am excited to get certified.  Plus they give you a discount on Graduate Programs.  I’d like to get in a couple grad school programs next August as well.  I may take a little longer off from school though.  Getting out of dept right now has to be my main concern.  Money issues is adding the number one stress in my life.  Once those are gone, I think I will be way less stressed.

I’m currently seeing a girl, things are going great.  She’s smart, beautiful, talented and has passions in her life that just blow me away.  Yet she scares me as well, and she knows it.  Slowly but surely, I am opening up to her.  It is good.  Even if something happens and we do not last, she is showing me that it is ok to be vulnerable.  I don’t like being vulnerable.  It scares me.  Hell relationships in general scare me.  I do not do well in them.  And for about 25 years, I have done a pretty good job staying away from serious ones, having only 3.  That is 3, including the one I am in now.  There is just so much uncertainty, and unwanted hurt that comes along with dating someone.  It took me awhile, but I have come to the conclusion that love is real.  I mean, I have always believed that some form of love was real.  Just how much love could affect a life, I never quite understood.  Still not sure I do, but I am learning, and growing as I go.  And that I define love as giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not too.  It might sound a bit simplistic, but I think people over complicate love.  Yes, it is hard to understand, but when you do begin to grasp the idea of it, you wonder how you never came to these conclusions earlier.

For me, a guy who runs away from serious relationships, love is something I try my best to avoid.  I’m not use to this whole thing.  This is also the second longest relationship I have ever been in, and the first longest that lasted almost two years included High School.  So I do not really count that, high school is different from the real world.  So as far as real world in your face relationships go, this is my longest.  I am in uncharted territory and learning as I go.  I am making mistakes.  But I try not to make the same one twice.  And if I do, I just buy a bigger bouquet of flowers the next time around.  Trust has not always come easy for me.  Never has, still doesn’t.  But something in me has changed.  I do not know if it is because I turned 25.  It may be this girl I am dating.  I am not really sure, but I do know it is a good thing to trust.  Trust is how relationships are built.  Trust is also the fastest way to crumble the relationships around you.  All I know is I felt tired of running.  I want to know what it is like to completely put your trust in someone.  I have trusted people before, but never completely.  Not saying I will trust this girl ABSOLUTELY.  That still scares me a little too much.  I do not even put complete trust in my parents.  That has to say something about me right?

I do know this girl has knocked a couple bricks away.  She is slowly bringing things out of me I never thought I would share with anyone.  I was content with keeping these ideas and emotions bottled up for the rest of my life.  She is making me see that that may not be the healthiest thing to do.  I know that she would never do anything to hurt me.  She cares for me.  And she has taken more shit from me in these first few months than anyone should have to endure.  Yet she remains.  Which means the world to me.  She listens, she is not afraid to be honest with me.  It was a rough few months leading up to getting a post graduation job and she kept me sane.  Would I have survived without her?  Sure.  But looking back can I imagine things going as smoothly as they did?  Which still was not that smooth.  No I can’t.  Well this really is personal.  I am not sure I wanted to give my readers this much of an insight, but I have not written anything in so long, once I started, it just kept flowing.

I wonder when the next update will come?  I have started reading more again and trying to write.  I may try for a once a week type thing, or twice.  Not sure I can go more then that though.  Sorry to all those who live and breathe by my blog.  You will just have to get your fix less often.  There is so much happening in my life, I will try to start generalizing it to share my experiences and maybe help someone else out.  This blog is my own hodgepodge concoction of ideas swirling around in my head.  Try to follow the best you can.  I am sure the blog will change directions a few more times before I finally find something I can be consistent and happy with.  The one consistent will always be myself and my writing.


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